Xmas Jockey

A jokey riding the favourite at Cheltenham gets hit in the face by a mince pie. He gets back in the lead and immediately gets splattered with a box of Christmas crackers.

He manages to get back into the lead when suddenly he is hit on the head by a frozen turkey just lengths from the finish line and comes second.

A stewards inquiry followed and ruled that he had been hampered.

And that’s when the fight started

One year , I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why I replied,

“Well you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year.”

And that’s when the fight started…

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen.”

And that’s when the fight started …

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said: “Do you want to have Sex?”

“No” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Dust”

And that’s when the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her:

“Do you know him?”

“Yes” she sighed.

“He’s my old boyfriend, I understand he took to drinking after we split and hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And that’s when the fight started…

Eat The Grass

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he told his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied, “We eat grass when we are hungry.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” said the lawyer.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” said the lawyer. Turning to the other poor man he stated,“You may come with us, also.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”

“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all crammed into the car and once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.”

The lawyer replied, “I am glad to help. You’ll really love my place, the grass is almost a foot high”

Unsightly Hare

A bloke is driving along a lane one night when he runs over a hare. He feels bad about it and hangs around a bit.

Soon a lady pulls up and seeing that the bloke is upset takes a spray out of her handbag and sprays it all over the hare. Straight away the hare springs to life and runs into the hedges.

The bloke continues on his journey but every now and then he is surprised to see the same hare popping up on the roadside waving at him.

After a bit he stops the car and waves the woman down behind him. “What on earth did you spray it with,” he asked.

The woman replied, “Oh it’s just my hair restorer with a permanent wave.”

Ferrari at the Bank

A man walks into a High Street bank in Mayfair and applies for a £5,000 loan. He tells the clerk that he’s going away on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The clerk tells him the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of his Ferrari parked outside the bank.

The clerk does some checking and accepts the car as collateral for the loan. Meanwhile the bank staff enjoy a good laugh as they’ve never seen a £120,000 Ferrari used as collateral for a £5,000 loan. The manager has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking facility.

Two weeks later, the man returns to the bank and pays back the £5,000 and additional interest of £15.41.

The bank manager says to the man, “Sir, we are very happy to have your business but I am puzzled that a man of your means should need such a small amount as £5,000.”

The man replies: “This is London, how else can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41.”

There once was a man named Sweeney,
He spilled some gin on his weenie.
That being uncouth,
He dipped it in vermouth,
And slipped his wife a dry martini.

Bee Fuel

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas, when a bee flew in through the window.

“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.

“I’m out of gas.” the man answers.

The bee advised the man to wait and it flew away. Minutes later, a swarm of bees flew over to the car and into his gas tank. A few seconds passed and the bees flew out and away.

“Try now,” said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started. “What did you put in my gas tank?” he asked.

The bee answered, “Bee Pee”

Bullshit

A guy walked into the dole office to pick up his giro. Marching up to the counter he said, “Hi. You know, I just hate being on the dole I’d really like to be a chauffer.”

The guy behind the counter replied, “Your timing is excellent Sir. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive a Bentley, escort the daughter on overseas trips and you will of course be provided with accommodation. Your salary will be £200,000 a year. Are you okay with that?”

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshitting me!”

The dole guy replied, “Well you started it mate!”

I deserve a raise

A Mexican maid asked her employer for a pay increase.

Woman: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maid: “Well, Señora, there are three reasons. Firstly I iron better than you.”

Woman: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maid: “Your husband say so.”

Woman: “Really.”

Maid: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Woman: “Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Your husband did Señora.”

Woman: “Really.”

Maid: “and the third reason is that I am better in bed than you.”

Woman: “My husband say that as well!”

Maid: “No Señora, the gardener did.”

Woman: “So let’s discuss how much you would like?”

Wife Killer

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly accepted the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Tesco supermarket then surprised her in the produce department and strangled her with his hands.

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and had been observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.

‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!’

The Scotsman & the Englishman

A Scotsman was walking through a field and saw a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouts “Awa ye feel hoor that’s full o’ coos sharn”
(Don’t drink the water, it’s full of cow shit)

The man shouts back “I’m English, speak English, I don’t understand you.”

The Scotsman replied, “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”