Racism jokes

The Immigration Survey

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in Bradford and Birmingham, made up of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians, were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to the Euro.

They overwhelmingly responded “no,” stating that they are quite happy with the Giro.


Prime Minister John Howard – Australia

“Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

“Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation’s mosques. Quote: ‘Immigrants, not Australians, must adapt. Take it or leave it. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.

“This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.

“We speak mainly English; not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society. Learn the language.

“Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.

“We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.

“This is our country, our land, and our lifestyle, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our Christian beliefs, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom: the right to leave.

“If you aren’t happy here then leave. We didn’t force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country you accepted.”

Notherners – Luv ‘um

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet:

Yorkshireman: “Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.”
Vet: “Is it a tom?”
Yorkshireman: “Nay, I’ve browt it wiae us.”

A Yorkshireman’s dog dies

As it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”
Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”
Yorkshireman: “Nay, I want it chewin’ a bone !”

Barnsley rock bottom

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore bum asks chemist:
“Does tha sell arse cream?”
Chemist: “Aye, magnum or cornetto?”

Clever Beggar

Parvinder and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London. Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £20 every day. Parvinder makes several hundred pounds daily.

Habib says to Parvinder “I work just as long and hard as you, so how do you make all that money?”

Parvinder says, “Look at your sign, what does it say?”

Habib’s sign reads, ‘I have no work, a wife and six kids to support’.

Parvinder says “No wonder you get peanuts all day.”

Habib asks, “So what does your sign say then?”

Parvinder shows Habib his sign. It reads:

‘I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.’


The Pied Tourist

A tourist walked into a seaside curiosity shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and asked, “How much is this bronze rat?”

The owner replied: “It’s £10 for the rat, and £50 for the story.”

The tourist handed the owner £10 and said, “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and began to follow. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the rats had grown to a large pack. He headed to the beach and as he ran he looked behind and saw the rats now numbered in their hundreds.

He got so scared that he ran along the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out to sea as he could. Amazingly, the rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The tourist returned to the shop.

“Ah, you’ve come back for the story then?” said the shop keeper.

“No,” said the tourist, “I want to enquire if you possibly have a bronze Muslim fundamentalist, an illegal immigrant, or anything French?”