Pensioner jokes


A Little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up on to a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

“No,” he replied, “arthritis.”

A pensioner had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor had him fitted with a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

The pensioner returned a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The pensioner replied, “Oh, I haven’t told them yet. I just listen to their conversations.”

The doctor said, “I bet that’s very revealing.”

“Very! I’ve changed my will three times.”

Three pensioners are out walking. One says “It’s windy isn’t it.” The second pensioner says, “No, it’s Thursday.” And the third pensioner says, “So am I, let’s go and get a beer.”


Like a newborn

Two pensioners in a retirement home are sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

“I’m 90 years old today and I’m just full of aches and pains. How do you feel?”

“Like a newborn baby,” comes the reply.

“Really! Like a newborn baby you say.”

“Yes, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself.”


Ageing memory

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a restaurant and it was really great. I would highly recommend it.”

The other man asked: “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought for a while then said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? … The one that is red and has thorns.”

“A rose?”

“Ah yes that’s it.” He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled out, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”


Eager nurse

A student nurse was waiting to receive the discharge permission for a patient. When she had the paperwork she took a wheelchair along to collect the patient. An elderly gentleman sat at the end of the bed with a suitcase at his feet.

She explained to the elderly gentleman that it was hospital regulations to use a wheelchair when leaving the hospital. He insisted that he didn’t need any assistance to leave the hospital. The nurse emphasised that it was hospital policy and that she could get in trouble if he didn’t follow the rules.

After the chat the elderly gentleman reluctantly let the nurse wheel him along the corridor, down the lift and out to the front reception. The student nurse asked him if his wife would be collecting him, and he replied:

“I don’t know, she’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.


Hitting sixty

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find young sexy women?
A: In a book shop in the fiction section.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: Why should over sixties use valet parking?

A: Valets don’t forget where they parked the car.

Q: Do over sixties have short term memory storage issues?
A: No, only a memory retrieval problem.


Extra large

Mavis and Doris are sitting in the garden of their retirement home having a tea and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Mavis pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

“What on earth are you doing?” asks Doris.

Mavis explains, “This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet see.

“Okay, so where did you get it?” asks Doris.

“From any pharmacy Doris.”

The next day, Doris goes to a pharmacy and enquires about buying a box of condoms. The pharmacist is a little embarrassed but sensitively asks her what brand of condom she would like.

Doris replies, “It doesn’t matter, as long as it fits on a Camel.”


Jumping with joy

A pensioner was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watched her for a while then said:

“Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”

The woman continues to bounce on the bed saying, “I don’t care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.”

The husband asked, “What did he say about your 60-year-old arse?”

“Your name never came up!” she replied.