Marital jokes

Men Do Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find her husband is not in their bed, so she puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee and he appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and sips his coffee.

“What’s the matter dear?” she whispers, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”

The husband looks up from his coffee, “I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?”

“Yes, I do” she replies.

The husband pauses.  “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes,” said the wife, pulling a chair beside him.

“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”

“I remember that too,” she replied softly.

“It’s just that, I would have been out today.”


Wedded 50 Years

A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” said son number one, “Sorry I’m running late, I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom look great. I just flew in from Edinburgh and didn’t have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father, “we’re glad you were able to come.”

Then their daughter arrived. “Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father addressed them all at the table.

“There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you all for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep,” said the father, “you certainly are that!”


The Italian secret to a long marriage

At a local church they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Well, I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I’m going back to Italy to visit her.”


Side by Side

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered with eyes full of tears, “You know what, you’ve been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?”‘ she gently asked.

“I think you’ve been nothing but bad luck. Don’t slam the door on your way out..”


Wife’s Revenge

A police officer pulls over a car for speeding.

The driver says, “Officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating?”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, “Don’t be silly dear, you know this car doesn’t have that.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can you please keep your mouth shut!”

The wife smiles demurely saying, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man growls at his wife again and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns saying, “I notice you’re not wearing a seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and shouts “Will you just shut up!”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way?”

The wife replied, “only when he’s been drinking.”