“Pilot to tower. Plane out of fuel. Fifty miles out over ocean at five hundred feet. Radio instructions.”

“Tower to pilot. Now would be the time to start praying,”

AWOL

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your habit. I’ll explain later?” The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “No I have not.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the nun’s habit and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Afghanistan.”

The nun said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier added, “I hope I’m not being rude, but you have really hairy legs.”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen really hairy balls; You see I don’t want to go to Afghanistan either.”

Weary Passenger

A train was quite crowded and a US soldier walked the entire length looking for a seat but the only seat with no person occupying it had a French woman’s poodle on it. The soldier asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”

The soldier carried on looking for a seat but had no luck so he returned to the seat with the dog on it and asked again. “Please, ma’am. May I sit down? It’s a long journey.”

Again the woman snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!”

This time the soldier didn’t argue the point but instead lowered a window, picked up the dog and threw it out, and without further ado, sat down.

The woman shrieked, “Will somebody do something about this!”

An English passenger who was sitting nearby intervened. “Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road, and now, you appear to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

Camel Taxi

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.

During his first inspection he noticed a camel in camp and asked his Sergeant why they kept a camel. The sergeant replied nervously, “Sir, as you know, there are only men here and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That’s why we have the camel.”

The Captain said, “I can’t say that I much approve of this, but I do understand about the urges, so I suppose the camel has its use.”

Several weeks later the Captain is battling his own urges. Crazed with passion, one evening he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, and has his way with the camel.

The next morning when the Captain sees the Sergeant he asks him, “I used a ladder to get up close behind the camel, is that how the men do it?

“No sir,” replied the Sergeant, “They usually just ride it into town. That’s where the girls are.”

Rectal Nurse

A nurse walked into a bank and began to write a cheque. Unfortunately she mistakenly pulled out a rectal thermometer from her bag and tried to write with that. Realising her error, she looked at the teller without missing a heart beat and exclaimed:

“Well that’s just great, some asshole’s got my pen!”