A man walks into a pub with a newt on his shoulder and asks for a beer and a pint of pond water for Tiny. “Why do you call that newt Tiny,” asked the barman. “Because he’s my newt.”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says: “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

• — A blonde walked into a bar — OUCHH!!!
• — So a woman drives into a bar…
• — Blind man walks into a bar… And a table, and a chair.

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a burger. When he’s finished he gets up and pulls out a gun shooting at everyone except the bartender. The panda turns to leave but the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone.

The panda asks “Do you know what I am?”

“A panda,” replies the bartender.

“Then refer to your dictionary for an explanation.” says the panda before leaving.

The bartender refers to his dictionary and it reads: ‘Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.’

• — A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver says, “You have a drink named Murray?”
• — A white horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a scotch named after you!” The horse says, “You have a drink named Freddie?”

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender:

“Do you have any helicopter flavoured crisps?”

The bartender shakes his head and says, “No, we only have plain.”