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Essex hurricane appeal

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06:30am Tuesday 25 August 2015

A major hurricane has hit the county of Essex in the South of England. Unaffectionally named Hurricane Shazza, it was accompanied by an earthquake that measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale. It hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday 25th August with its epicentre in Basildon. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. and have been wandering around aimlessly, shouting ‘Faaackinell’.

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £100 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Mallorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were also disturbed.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something had happened in Basildon. One resident Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking while I was skinning up watching Trisha in the morning.

Looting, muggings and car crime in the area were unaffected and continued on as usual. The Red Cross organisation has shipped in 1,000 crates of Sunny Delight to help the stricken. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Items most needed include:

– Fila or Burberry baseball caps
– Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
– Shell suits (female)
– White sport socks
– Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

– Any microwave meals
– Tins of baked beans
– Ice cream
– Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

Where your donation goes:

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£4 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those who have lost a lifetime collection of bling.

**Breaking news**

08.22 : Tuesday : 26 August 2015 : Rescue workers have found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. She is alive and communicating.

“Where are you bleeding from?” the ambulance crew asked her

“Romford” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv the price of cheese?”

The government are asking people who know anyone from Essex to read out this hurricane message to them and to re-assure them that everything is being done to return things to they way they were as soon as possible. Also if joy-riders could be kept off the streets to aid the emergency services this would be appreciated.

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