quips | Tony's website

Actual Instructions

On a blanket from Taiwan:
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.
On a Taiwanese shampoo:

Use repeatedly for severe damage.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink:
After opening, keep upright.
On a New Zealand insect spray:
This product was not tested on animals.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer:

To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening.
(Sensible, but the guide was inside the box.)
On a Japanese product for hemorrhoids:
Lie on bed and insert Poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting Poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
Open other end.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?
On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
A birthday card for a 1 year old:
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.
Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.
Can of air freshener:
For use by trained personnel only.
Deodorant:
Do not use intimately.
Rat Poison:
Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.
Portable stroller:
Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.
Sign at a railway station:
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Electric Thermometer:
Do not use orally after using rectally.
Container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Pproduct will be hot after heating.
>On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: Keep out of children.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash:
May contain foam.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
Label on a hammer:
Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.
On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
WARNING: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet. Eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
Windex:
Do not spray in eyes.
Toilet Plunger:
Caution: Do not use near power lines.
500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.
Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
Boot’s children’s cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Infant’s bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.
Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.
Bottle of shampoo for dogs:
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
Hand-held Massaging Device:
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.
Toner cartridge for a laser printer:
Do not eat toner.
Novelty rock garden set:

Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.
A toilet bowl cleaning brush:
Do not use orally.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool:
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Baby Oil:
Keep out of reach of children.
Hair Coloring:
Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Zantac Deoderant:
Do not take if allergic to zantac.
Sleeping Pills:
Warning: May cause Drowsiness.
Komatsu Floodlight:
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.
Earplugs:
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe.
Mattress:
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.
Matches:
Caution: Contents may catch fire.
Pepper Spray:
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.
RCA Television Remote Control:
Not Dishwasher Safe
Pine Mountain Fire Logs:
Caution: Risk of fire.
Triops Fish Food:
Warning: Not for human consumption.
Road Sign:
Caution water on road during rain.
Camera:
This camera will only work when film is inside.
Road Sign:
Cemetery Road. Dead End.
Children’s Superman Costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Slush Puppy Cup:
This ice may be cold.
Nabisco Easy Cheese:
For best results, remove cap.
Swanson TV Dinners:
This product must be cooked before eating.

Funny Signs

In a Podiatrist’s office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals–on Wheels.
At a Proctologist’ s door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
On a Plumber’s truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed.
On another Plumber’s truck:
Don’t sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
On a Church’s Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing company:
We don’t charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
On an Electrician’ s truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts.
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
At an Optometrist’ s Office:
If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
On a Taxidermist’ s window:
We really know our stuff.
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian’ s waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company:
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.
In a Restaurant window:
Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We’ll wait.
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
Chicago radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.

Window Sign

We would rather do business with 1,000 al qaeda terrorists than with one single British soldier.

Funeral Parlour business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

Congratulations to kids born in the
1940’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s

For surviving:

… being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while pregnant.

… baby cots that were covered with lead-based paints.

… medicine bottles, doors or cabinets with no child-proof lids or locks.

… riding bikes with no helmets.

… Riding in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

… Drinking water from the garden hosepipe not from a bottle.

… Sharing a soft drink with friends from one bottle and no one actually dieing.

… Drinking pop with real sugar in it, but not being overweight because playing outside was healthy.

… Without Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, video games. No 110 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet. Just having friends was ok.

… Climbing trees and falling out of them without strarting a lawasuit against someone.

Remember Life in 2007 when…

1. You accidentally enter your pin number on the microwave.
2. You hadn’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You had a list of 10 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mailed the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own drive and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television had a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 years of your life, became a cause for panic.
9. You got up in the morning and went online before going to work.
10. You asked the bank for a £500 loan and they informed that you were eligible for a £7,500 loan if you wanted it.

New laws for hands free mobiles

According to a proposed new law soon to come into effect, you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless it has a ‘hands free’ adapter and is attached to you.

Maplins wanted £50 for a headset so having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and he was able to come up with a cheaper alternative.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. Tested with Motorola, Ericson, and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

Take a look at the photo below and let me know if you want one. They cost £4 or $4 each (inc p&p) and your order can be placed here.

Alternatively, perhaps the new hands-free premium edition may interest you at just £50 each (phone not included).

Actual Comments made by 14 police officers taken from police car videos

14. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
13. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
12. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
11. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
10. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
9. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
7. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
6. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop”
5. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
4. “How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
3. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
2. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
1. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t, Sign here.”

The person that wrote the description above for countdown clearly has never seen the programme. It is not a computer that picks anything but the contestants themselves who ask for either a vowel or a consenant to be displayed by the lady in this case Carol Vordermann.

Erstwhile Insults

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d poison your coffee.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
“Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill on British Labour politician Stafford Cripps
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second if there is one.” – Winston Churchill.

In the New York public school system. All teachers were reprimanded.

12. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
11. I would not allow this student to breed.
10. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
9. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
8. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
7. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
6. This child has been working with glue too much.
5. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
4. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
3. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
2. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
And in 1st Place:
1. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

Funny Life Quotes

1. ‘Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.’ – Murphy’s Law.

2. ‘Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.’ – Mignon McLaughlin.

3. ‘Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.’ – Brian Gerald O’Driscoll.

4. ‘The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.’ – Erma Bombeck.

5. ‘When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.’ – Will Rogers.

6. ‘Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.’ – unknown.

7. ‘People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing; that’s why it’s recommend daily.” – Zig Ziglar.

8. ‘Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.’ – Abraham Lincoln.

9. ‘Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” – Bill McGlashen.

10. ‘Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.’ – unknown.

Questions you can’t answer

– Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

– Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

– Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?

– Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

– Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

– Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

– What is the speed of darkness?

– Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?

– Are there specially reserved parking spaces for ‘normal’ people at the Special Olympics?

– If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

– Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

– How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

– Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

– Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

– Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

– Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs !

– Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

– Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

– Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Have you read an Asian user manual for electronic equipment and chuckled at the use of English. It never ceases to amaze me why a company like Sony cannot employ someone who can speak English to proofread their manuals before printing.

In other areas such as forum boards on the internet it is of course more forgiveable, but equally amusing.

There is nothing like discovering a gem and wanting to splash relish all over it, and this is the place to record the moment for posterity.

Funny quips 2

Actual Instructions

On a blanket from Taiwan:
Not to be used as protection from a tornado.
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.
On a Taiwanese shampoo:

Use repeatedly for severe damage.
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink:
After opening, keep upright.
On a New Zealand insect spray:
This product was not tested on animals.
In a US guide to setting up a new computer:

To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening.
(Sensible, but the guide was inside the box.)
On a Japanese product for hemorrhoids:
Lie on bed and insert Poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting Poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet.
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
Open other end.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?
On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
A birthday card for a 1 year old:
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.
Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.
Can of air freshener:
For use by trained personnel only.
Deodorant:
Do not use intimately.
Rat Poison:
Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.
Portable stroller:
Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.
Electric Thermometer:
Do not use orally after using rectally.
Container of salt:
Warning: High in sodium

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Pproduct will be hot after heating.
>On a Korean kitchen knife:
WARNING: Keep out of children.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash:
May contain foam.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
Label on a hammer:
Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.
On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
WARNING: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet. Eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
Windex:
Do not spray in eyes.
Toilet Plunger:
Caution: Do not use near power lines.
500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.
Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
Boot’s children’s cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Infant’s bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.
Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.
Bottle of shampoo for dogs:
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
Hand-held Massaging Device:
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.
Toner cartridge for a laser printer:
Do not eat toner.
Novelty rock garden set:

Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.
A toilet bowl cleaning brush:
Do not use orally.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool:
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Baby Oil:
Keep out of reach of children.
Hair Coloring:
Do not use as an ice cream topping.
Zantac Deoderant:
Do not take if allergic to zantac.
Sleeping Pills:
Warning: May cause Drowsiness.
Sign at a railway station:
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Komatsu Floodlight:
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.
Earplugs:
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe.
Mattress:
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.
Matches:
Caution: Contents may catch fire.
Pepper Spray:
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.
RCA Television Remote Control:
Not Dishwasher Safe
Pine Mountain Fire Logs:
Caution: Risk of fire.
Triops Fish Food:
Warning: Not for human consumption.
Road Sign:
Caution water on road during rain.
Camera:
This camera will only work when film is inside.
Road Sign:
Cemetery Road. Dead End.
Children’s Superman Costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
Slush Puppy Cup:
This ice may be cold.
Nabisco Easy Cheese:
For best results, remove cap.
Swanson TV Dinners:
This product must be cooked before eating.

Funny Signs

In a Podiatrist’s office:
Time Wounds All Heels.
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals–on Wheels.
At a Proctologist’ s door:
To expedite your visit, please back in.
On a Plumber’s truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed.
On another Plumber’s truck:
Don’t sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!
On a Church’s Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak.
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing company:
We don’t charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.
On an Electrician’ s truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts.
In a Nonsmoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
At an Optometrist’ s Office:
If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
On a Taxidermist’ s window:
We really know our stuff.
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.
In a Veterinarian’ s waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the Electric Company:
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.
In a Restaurant window:
Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
Drive carefully! We’ll wait.
At a Propane Filling Station:
Thank heaven for little grills.
Chicago radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.

Window Sign

We would rather do business with 1,000 al qaeda terrorists than with one single British soldier.

Funeral Parlour business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

TIMBUKTU

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aborigine.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. That word was: TIMBUKTU.

First went the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and began.

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination – Timbuktu

The audience were impressed, surely the old aborigine could not top that.

The old aborigine calmly made his way to the microphone and began.

Me and Tim a huntin’ went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I buck one, and Timbuktu

Impossible to say when intoxicated

Sorry, but you’re not my type, I’m married.
No more drink for me thank you.
Dance? No way, I have no coordination and would hate to make a fool of myself.
I must go home now as I have work in the morning.

Quote

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’

– Eleanor Roosevelt

Congratulations to kids born in the 1940’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s for surviving:

… being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while pregnant.

… baby cots that were covered with lead-based paints.

… medicine bottles, doors or cabinets with no child-proof lids or locks.

… riding bikes with no helmets.

… riding in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

… drinking water from the garden hosepipe not from a bottle.

… sharing a soft drink with friends from one bottle and no one actually dieing.

… drinking pop with real sugar in it, but not being overweight because playing outside was healthy.

… without Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, video games. No 110 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet. Just having friends was ok.

… climbing trees and falling out of them without strarting a lawasuit against someone.

Remember Life in 2007 when…

1. You accidentally enter your pin number on the microwave.
2. You hadn’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You had a list of 10 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mailed the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own drive and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television had a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 years of your life, became a cause for panic.
9. You got up in the morning and went online before going to work.
10. You asked the bank for a £500 loan and they informed that you were eligible for a £7,500 loan if you wanted it.

New laws for hands free mobiles

According to a proposed new law soon to come into effect, you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless it has a ‘hands free’ adapter and is attached to you.

Maplins wanted £50 for a headset so having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and he was able to come up with a cheaper alternative.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. Tested with Motorola, Ericson, and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

Take a look at the photo below and let me know if you want one. They cost £4 or $4 each (inc p&p) and your order can be placed here.

Alternatively, perhaps the new hands-free premium edition may interest you at just £50 each (phone not included).

If you receive e-mail from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork Ignore it. It’s just Spam.

Actual Comments made by 14 police officers taken from police car videos

14. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
13. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
12. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
11. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
10. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
9. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
7. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
6. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop”
5. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
4. “How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
3. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
2. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
1. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t, Sign here.”

Erstwhile Insults

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, “If you were my husband I’d poison your coffee.”
He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
“Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
Winston Churchill on British Labour politician Stafford Cripps
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second if there is one.” – Winston Churchill.

Quote

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

– Winston Churchill

click image to enlarge

Children Are Quick

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

Class: Maria.

Teacher: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.

Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile’?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

Teacher: No, that’s wrong

Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me.

Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’.

Millie: I is …

Teacher: No Milliecalways say, ‘I am.’

Millie: All right ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

Simon: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir, it’s the same dog.

Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.

From the New York public school system. All teachers were reprimanded, unfortunately.

12. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
11. I would not allow this student to breed.
10. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
9. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
8. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
7. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
6. This child has been working with glue too much.
5. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
4. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
3. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
2. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
And in 1st Place:
1. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

Marking Submitted Work