Religious jokes

Three Couples at Church

An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young engaged couple wanted to join a church. The priest told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The priest asked the elderly couple, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

“With no problem at all,” the elderly couple replied.

“Then welcome to our church!” said the priest and then he went over to the middle-aged couple and put the same question to them.

The middle-aged couple explained, “The first week was not too bad but for the second week we had to take some cold showers and sleep apart, but yes Father, we managed it.”

The priest also welcomed them to the church before turning to the young couple and asking them if they had succeeded to abstain from sex for the two weeks.

“No…” replied the young couple, “sadly we were not able to manage it.”

“What went wrong?” asked the priest.

The young man replied, “Well you see, my wife was reaching for a can of baked beans from the top shelf and dropped it, and when she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there and then.”

“Oh dear,” said the priest, “you do understand that you will not be allowed into our church then.”

“Yes Father we know, and neither are we allowed into that supermarket again!”

 

How Moses got the 10 Commandments

God went to the arabs and said,

“I have commandments for you that will make your lives better.”

The arabs asked, “What are commandments?”

And god said, “They are rules for living – ‘Thou shall not kill’ is an example.”

“Not kill?” asked the arabs, “then we’re not interested.”

Then god went to the protestants and they too asked for an example so god told them: ‘Thou shall not steal’.

“Not steal? We’re not interested.” said the protestants.

Then god asked the christians, stating ‘Thou shall not commit adultery’.

“Not commit adultery? We’re not interested.” said the Christians,

Finally, god approached the jews saying “I have commandments.”

“Commandments you say? How much are they?” asked the jews.

“They’re free,” god told them.

“Then we’ll take 10.”

 

Satan in Church

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in the pews and talking when all of a sudden Satan appeared in the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fiasco.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“No” said the man.

“Why not?” asked Satan.

The man calmly replied, “Because we’re sort of related, I married your sister.”

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

– George Burns

Jewish Couple

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple preparing for a wedding meet the rabbi for counselling and are asked if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks. “Rabbi, we realise it’s tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we’d like your permission to dance together like other faiths do.”

“Absolutely not…” the rabbi retorts. “it’s immodest. Men and women always dance separately.”

“So after the ceremony, when we are married, we can’t dance together?” the couple ask.

“No, it’s forbidden,” the rabbi tells them.

“What about sex. Can we finally have sex?”

“Of course,” the rabbi tells them, “sex is a mitzvah, a good thing within marriage, to have children.”

“What about different positions?” ask the couple.

“No problem,” says the rabbi “It’s a mitzvah.”

“Reverse cowgirl?” the woman asks. “Sure,” says the rabbi, “It’s a mitzvah!”

“Doggy style?” the man asks. “Sure, whatever, it’s a mitzvah.”

“On the kitchen table?” the couple ask.

“Yes, yes! A mitzvah! Listen to what I am telling you.”

“Can we do it standing up then?”

“Definitely not!” the rabbi shouts, “it could lead to dancing.”

 

Wailing Wall

A journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day for a very long time. So she went to the Western Wall to check it out and there he was.

She watched him pray for about 30 minutes and when he turned to leave the journalist approached him for an interview.

“Excuse me, I’m a journalist, how long have you been coming here?

“For about 50 years.” replied the jewish man.

“That’s amazing, what do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.

“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.

“and I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults.”

“That’s wonderful,” said the journalist, “and how does it make you feel?”

“Like I’m talking to a brick wall!”

 

Eve’s side of the story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

“So, how is everything going?” enquired God.

“It is all so beautiful,” Eve replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these three breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain.”

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that two breasts might be a better design.

“That is a fair point,” said God. He reached over and removed the middle breast and threw it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

“Well, Eve, how are things?”

“Just great, but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel lonely.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Yes you are right, how could I have overlooked this? I will create a man from a part of you. Now let’s see where did I put that useless tit?”

Now doesn’t that story make more sense than the thing about the rib?

 

Talk about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of passion when she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around her head and I shot her.

Leroy in the community

A preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” The preacher put one finger in Leroy’s ear and placed a hand on top of Leroy’s head, and prayed.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It’s on Thursday.”

 

The Vicar’s salary

At Sunday church the Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation because he is so popular and no one wants him to leave.

Fred the local car dealer stands up and offers to provide him with a Honda mini-van to transport their children. The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam the local pub landlord stands up and says, “If the Vicar will stay I’ll provide free food and drink at weekends for him and his wife.” More sighs and applause ensue.

Agnes, aged 88, stands and announces with a smile, “If the Vicar stays I will provide him with sex!”

There is total silence within the congregation prompting the vicar to interrupt.

“Why Agnes, you are a wonderful and holy lady, but whatever possessed you to say that?”

Agnes’s 90 year old husband Joe is holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head, while his wife replies, “Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, “Fuck him”.

 

Damnation

A minister was completing a sermon:

“If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.

“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said:

“And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile:

“Please turn to page 52 for our final Hymn – ‘Shall We Gather at the River.’

 

Sexy Ghost

A professor was giving a lecture on the supernatural and to open he asked the audience how many of them believe in ghosts. About 90 students raised their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those who believe, have any of you seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raised their hands.

“OK. Out of those who have seen a ghost, how many have talked or touched a ghost?”

About 10 students raise their hand.

“That’s incredible. Now let me ask you ten if you have made love to a ghost?”

Way at the back, a muslim guy raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses.

“In all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ‘ghost’. Can you come down and tell us about your experience.“

The student made his way to the front.

“Right then, can you tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.“

“Ghost?” exclaimed the muslim, “sorry, from back there I thought you were talking about a goat!”

 

Cursing Nun

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you Sister?” asks Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.“

“It is,” sighed the Sister, “and I went with my brother to his golf club as they were holding a tournament. You know I was quite a golfer once.“

“As I seem to recall … so I take it your form was a little rusty then.“

“Far from it Mother superior. I was in great form, but I did take the Lord’s name in vain.”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!“

“Well, we were on the fifth tee and this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. It was the sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted when it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” says Mother Superior. “How unfortunate but surely that didn’t make you blaspheme.“

“No, that wasn’t it, Mother Superior. While I was still trying to fathom what had happened a squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway.“

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme, I suppose.“

“No Mother Superior that wasn’t it. While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swooped down and grabbed the squirrel and flew off with my ball still clutched in its paws.“

“So that’s when you cursed Sister, yes?“

“No, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, in anguish, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling and the hawk dropped him right there on the green and the ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 6 inches from the hole. All I had was one shot for the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest and fixed an analytic stare on the Sister. With a low tone she simply uttered:

“You missed the putt didn’t you?“

 

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