s


Actual Instructions

  • On a blanket from Taiwan:
    Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

  • On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
    Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

  • On a Taiwanese shampoo:

    Use repeatedly for severe damage.

  • On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink:
    After opening, keep upright.

  • On a New Zealand insect spray:
    This product was not tested on animals.

  • In a US guide to setting up a new computer:

    To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening.
    (Sensible, but the guide was inside the box.)

  • On a Japanese product for hemorrhoids:
    Lie on bed and insert Poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting Poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet.

  • In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
    Open other end.

  • On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
    Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?

  • On a Sears hairdryer:
    Do not use while sleeping.

  • A birthday card for a 1 year old:
    Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

  • Microwave Oven:
    Do not use for drying pets.

  • Can of air freshener:
    For use by trained personnel only.

  • Deodorant:
    Do not use intimately.

  • Rat Poison:
    Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

  • Portable stroller:
    Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.

  • Sign at a railway station:
    Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

  • Electric Thermometer:
    Do not use orally after using rectally.

  • Container of salt:
    Warning: High in sodium

  • On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
    Do not turn upside down.

  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    Pproduct will be hot after heating.

  • >On a Korean kitchen knife:
    WARNING: Keep out of children.

  • Stridex Foaming Face Wash:
    May contain foam.

  • On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
    For indoor or outdoor use only.

  • On a Japanese food processor:
    Not to be used for the other use.

  • Label on a hammer:
    Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.

  • On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
    WARNING: Contains nuts.

  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    Instructions: Open packet. Eat nuts.

  • On a Swedish chainsaw:
    Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

  • Windex:
    Do not spray in eyes.

  • Toilet Plunger:
    Caution: Do not use near power lines.

  • 500-piece puzzle:
    Some assembly required.

  • Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
    Fits one head.

  • Boot’s children’s cough medicine:
    Do not drive car or operate machinery.

  • Infant’s bathtub:
    Do not throw baby out with bath water.

  • Disposable razor:
    Do not use this product during an earthquake.

  • Bottle of shampoo for dogs:
    Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

  • Hand-held Massaging Device:
    Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

  • Toner cartridge for a laser printer:
    Do not eat toner.

  • Novelty rock garden set:

    Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

  • A toilet bowl cleaning brush:
    Do not use orally.

  • Dremel Electric Rotary Tool:
    This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

  • Baby Oil:
    Keep out of reach of children.

  • Hair Coloring:
    Do not use as an ice cream topping.

  • Zantac Deoderant:
    Do not take if allergic to zantac.

  • Sleeping Pills:
    Warning: May cause Drowsiness.

  • Komatsu Floodlight:
    This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.

  • Earplugs:
    These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe.

  • Mattress:
    Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.

  • Matches:
    Caution: Contents may catch fire.

  • Pepper Spray:
    Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

  • RCA Television Remote Control:
    Not Dishwasher Safe

  • Pine Mountain Fire Logs:
    Caution: Risk of fire.

  • Triops Fish Food:
    Warning: Not for human consumption.

  • Road Sign:
    Caution water on road during rain.

  • Camera:
    This camera will only work when film is inside.

  • Road Sign:
    Cemetery Road. Dead End.

  • Children’s Superman Costume:
    Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

  • Slush Puppy Cup:
    This ice may be cold.

  • Nabisco Easy Cheese:
    For best results, remove cap.

  • Swanson TV Dinners:
    This product must be cooked before eating.


 

Funny Signs

  • In a Podiatrist’s office:
    Time Wounds All Heels.

  • On a Septic Tank Truck:
    Yesterday’s Meals–on Wheels.

  • At a Proctologist’ s door:
    To expedite your visit, please back in.

  • On a Plumber’s truck:
    We Repair What Your Husband Fixed.

  • On another Plumber’s truck:
    Don’t sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!

  • On a Church’s Billboard:
    7 days without God makes one weak.

  • At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
    Invite us to your next blowout.

  • At a Towing company:
    We don’t charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.

  • On an Electrician’ s truck:
    Let Us Remove Your Shorts.

  • In a Nonsmoking Area:
    If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

  • On a Maternity Room door:
    Push. Push. Push!

  • At an Optometrist’ s Office:
    If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

  • On a Taxidermist’ s window:
    We really know our stuff.

  • On a Fence:
    Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!

  • At a Car Dealership:
    The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.

  • Outside a Muffler Shop:
    No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.

  • In a Veterinarian’ s waiting room:
    Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

  • At the Electric Company:
    We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.

  • In a Restaurant window:
    Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

  • In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    Drive carefully! We’ll wait.

  • At a Propane Filling Station:
    Thank heaven for little grills.

  • Chicago radiator shop:
    Best place in town to take a leak.

Window Sign

We would rather do business with 1,000 al qaeda terrorists than with one single British soldier.

Funeral Parlour business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

Congratulations to kids born in the
1940’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s

For surviving:

… being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while pregnant.

… baby cots that were covered with lead-based paints.

… medicine bottles, doors or cabinets with no child-proof lids or locks.

… riding bikes with no helmets.

… Riding in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

… Drinking water from the garden hosepipe not from a bottle.

… Sharing a soft drink with friends from one bottle and no one actually dieing.

… Drinking pop with real sugar in it, but not being overweight because playing outside was healthy.

… Without Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, video games. No 110 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet. Just having friends was ok.

… Climbing trees and falling out of them without strarting a lawasuit against someone.

Remember Life in 2007 when…

  • 1. You accidentally enter your pin number on the microwave.

  • 2. You hadn’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

  • 3. You had a list of 10 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

  • 4. You e-mailed the person who works at the desk next to you.

  • 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

  • 6. You pull up in your own drive and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

  • 7. Every commercial on television had a web site at the bottom of the screen.

  • 8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 years of your life, became a cause for panic.

  • 9. You got up in the morning and went online before going to work.

  • 10. You asked the bank for a £500 loan and they informed that you were eligible for a £7,500 loan if you wanted it.

New laws for hands free mobiles

According to a proposed new law soon to come into effect, you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless it has a ‘hands free’ adapter and is attached to you.

Maplins wanted £50 for a headset so having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and he was able to come up with a cheaper alternative.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. Tested with Motorola, Ericson, and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

Take a look at the photo below and let me know if you want one. They cost £4 or $4 each (inc p&p) and your order can be placed here.

Alternatively, perhaps the new hands-free premium edition may interest you at just £50 each (phone not included).

Actual Comments made by 14 police officers taken from police car videos

  • 14. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
  • 13. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
  • 12. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
  • 11. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
  • 10. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
  • 9. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
  • 8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
  • 7. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
  • 6. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop”
  • 5. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
  • 4. “How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
  • 3. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
  • 2. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
  • AND THE WINNER IS….
    1. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t, Sign here.”

The person that wrote the description above for countdown clearly has never seen the programme. It is not a computer that picks anything but the contestants themselves who ask for either a vowel or a consenant to be displayed by the lady in this case Carol Vordermann.

Erstwhile Insults

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

  • The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
    She said, “If you were my husband I’d poison your coffee.”
    He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

  • A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
    “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
    “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
    Winston Churchill on British Labour politician Stafford Cripps

  • “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

  • “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
    “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second if there is one.” – Winston Churchill.


























In the New York public school system. All teachers were reprimanded.

  • 12. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

  • 11. I would not allow this student to breed.

  • 10. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

  • 9. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  • 8. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  • 7. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

  • 6. This child has been working with glue too much.

  • 5. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

  • 4. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

  • 3. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

  • 2. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

  • And in 1st Place:
    1. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.


 


Marking Submitted Work

 



Funny Life Quotes

1. ‘Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.’ – Murphy’s Law.

2. ‘Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.’ – Mignon McLaughlin.

3. ‘Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.’ – Brian Gerald O’Driscoll.

4. ‘The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.’ – Erma Bombeck.

5. ‘When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.’ – Will Rogers.

6. ‘Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.’ – unknown.

7. ‘People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing; that’s why it’s recommend daily.” – Zig Ziglar.

8. ‘Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.’ – Abraham Lincoln.

9. ‘Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” – Bill McGlashen.

10. ‘Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.’ – unknown.

Questions you can’t answer




– Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

– Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

– Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?

– Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

– Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

– Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

– What is the speed of darkness?

– Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?

– Are there specially reserved parking spaces for ‘normal’ people at the Special Olympics?

– If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

– Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

– How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

– Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

– Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

– Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

– Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs !

– Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

– Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

– Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?



 


Have you read an Asian user manual for electronic equipment and chuckled at the use of English. It never ceases to amaze me why a company like Sony cannot employ someone who can speak English to proofread their manuals before printing.

In other areas such as forum boards on the internet it is of course more forgiveable, but equally amusing.

There is nothing like discovering a gem and wanting to splash relish all over it, and this is the place to record the moment for posterity.





 

Funny quips 2


Actual Instructions

  • On a blanket from Taiwan:
    Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

  • On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
    Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

  • On a Taiwanese shampoo:

    Use repeatedly for severe damage.

  • On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink:
    After opening, keep upright.

  • On a New Zealand insect spray:
    This product was not tested on animals.

  • In a US guide to setting up a new computer:

    To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening.
    (Sensible, but the guide was inside the box.)

  • On a Japanese product for hemorrhoids:
    Lie on bed and insert Poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting Poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet.

  • In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
    Open other end.

  • On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
    Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?

  • On a Sears hairdryer:
    Do not use while sleeping.

  • A birthday card for a 1 year old:
    Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

  • Microwave Oven:
    Do not use for drying pets.

  • Can of air freshener:
    For use by trained personnel only.

  • Deodorant:
    Do not use intimately.

  • Rat Poison:
    Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

  • Portable stroller:
    Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.

  • Electric Thermometer:
    Do not use orally after using rectally.

  • Container of salt:
    Warning: High in sodium

  • On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
    Do not turn upside down.

  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    Pproduct will be hot after heating.

  • >On a Korean kitchen knife:
    WARNING: Keep out of children.

  • Stridex Foaming Face Wash:
    May contain foam.

  • On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
    For indoor or outdoor use only.

  • On a Japanese food processor:
    Not to be used for the other use.

  • Label on a hammer:
    Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.

  • On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
    WARNING: Contains nuts.

  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    Instructions: Open packet. Eat nuts.

  • On a Swedish chainsaw:
    Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

  • Windex:
    Do not spray in eyes.

  • Toilet Plunger:
    Caution: Do not use near power lines.

  • 500-piece puzzle:
    Some assembly required.

  • Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
    Fits one head.

  • Boot’s children’s cough medicine:
    Do not drive car or operate machinery.

  • Infant’s bathtub:
    Do not throw baby out with bath water.

  • Disposable razor:
    Do not use this product during an earthquake.

  • Bottle of shampoo for dogs:
    Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

  • Hand-held Massaging Device:
    Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

  • Toner cartridge for a laser printer:
    Do not eat toner.

  • Novelty rock garden set:

    Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

  • A toilet bowl cleaning brush:
    Do not use orally.

  • Dremel Electric Rotary Tool:
    This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

  • Baby Oil:
    Keep out of reach of children.

  • Hair Coloring:
    Do not use as an ice cream topping.

  • Zantac Deoderant:
    Do not take if allergic to zantac.

  • Sleeping Pills:
    Warning: May cause Drowsiness.

  • Sign at a railway station:
    Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

  • Komatsu Floodlight:
    This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.

  • Earplugs:
    These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe.

  • Mattress:
    Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.

  • Matches:
    Caution: Contents may catch fire.

  • Pepper Spray:
    Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

  • RCA Television Remote Control:
    Not Dishwasher Safe

  • Pine Mountain Fire Logs:
    Caution: Risk of fire.

  • Triops Fish Food:
    Warning: Not for human consumption.

  • Road Sign:
    Caution water on road during rain.

  • Camera:
    This camera will only work when film is inside.

  • Road Sign:
    Cemetery Road. Dead End.

  • Children’s Superman Costume:
    Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

  • Slush Puppy Cup:
    This ice may be cold.

  • Nabisco Easy Cheese:
    For best results, remove cap.

  • Swanson TV Dinners:
    This product must be cooked before eating.


 

Funny Signs

  • In a Podiatrist’s office:
    Time Wounds All Heels.

  • On a Septic Tank Truck:
    Yesterday’s Meals–on Wheels.

  • At a Proctologist’ s door:
    To expedite your visit, please back in.

  • On a Plumber’s truck:
    We Repair What Your Husband Fixed.

  • On another Plumber’s truck:
    Don’t sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!

  • On a Church’s Billboard:
    7 days without God makes one weak.

  • At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
    Invite us to your next blowout.

  • At a Towing company:
    We don’t charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.

  • On an Electrician’ s truck:
    Let Us Remove Your Shorts.

  • In a Nonsmoking Area:
    If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

  • On a Maternity Room door:
    Push. Push. Push!

  • At an Optometrist’ s Office:
    If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

  • On a Taxidermist’ s window:
    We really know our stuff.

  • On a Fence:
    Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!

  • At a Car Dealership:
    The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.

  • Outside a Muffler Shop:
    No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.

  • In a Veterinarian’ s waiting room:
    Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

  • At the Electric Company:
    We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.

  • In a Restaurant window:
    Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

  • In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    Drive carefully! We’ll wait.

  • At a Propane Filling Station:
    Thank heaven for little grills.

  • Chicago radiator shop:
    Best place in town to take a leak.

Window Sign

We would rather do business with 1,000 al qaeda terrorists than with one single British soldier.

Funeral Parlour business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.

TIMBUKTU

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists, a university graduate and an old aborigine.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. That word was: TIMBUKTU.

First went the university graduate. He stepped up to the microphone and began.

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination – Timbuktu

The audience were impressed, surely the old aborigine could not top that.

The old aborigine calmly made his way to the microphone and began.

Me and Tim a huntin’ went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I buck one, and Timbuktu

Impossible to say when intoxicated

  • Sorry, but you’re not my type, I’m married.
  • No more drink for me thank you.
  • Dance? No way, I have no coordination and would hate to make a fool of myself.
  • I must go home now as I have work in the morning.

Quote

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’

– Eleanor Roosevelt

Congratulations to kids born in the 1940’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s for surviving:

… being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while pregnant.

… baby cots that were covered with lead-based paints.

… medicine bottles, doors or cabinets with no child-proof lids or locks.

… riding bikes with no helmets.

… riding in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

… drinking water from the garden hosepipe not from a bottle.

… sharing a soft drink with friends from one bottle and no one actually dieing.

… drinking pop with real sugar in it, but not being overweight because playing outside was healthy.

… without Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, video games. No 110 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet. Just having friends was ok.

… climbing trees and falling out of them without strarting a lawasuit against someone.

Remember Life in 2007 when…

  • 1. You accidentally enter your pin number on the microwave.

  • 2. You hadn’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

  • 3. You had a list of 10 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

  • 4. You e-mailed the person who works at the desk next to you.

  • 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

  • 6. You pull up in your own drive and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

  • 7. Every commercial on television had a web site at the bottom of the screen.

  • 8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 years of your life, became a cause for panic.

  • 9. You got up in the morning and went online before going to work.

  • 10. You asked the bank for a £500 loan and they informed that you were eligible for a £7,500 loan if you wanted it.

New laws for hands free mobiles

According to a proposed new law soon to come into effect, you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless it has a ‘hands free’ adapter and is attached to you.

Maplins wanted £50 for a headset so having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and he was able to come up with a cheaper alternative.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. Tested with Motorola, Ericson, and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

Take a look at the photo below and let me know if you want one. They cost £4 or $4 each (inc p&p) and your order can be placed here.

Alternatively, perhaps the new hands-free premium edition may interest you at just £50 each (phone not included).

If you receive e-mail from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork Ignore it. It’s just Spam.

Actual Comments made by 14 police officers taken from police car videos

  • 14. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
  • 13. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
  • 12. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
  • 11. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
  • 10. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
  • 9. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
  • 8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
  • 7. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
  • 6. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop”
  • 5. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
  • 4. “How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
  • 3. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
  • 2. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
  • 1. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t, Sign here.”

The person that wrote the description above for countdown clearly has never seen the programme. It is not a computer that picks anything but the contestants themselves who ask for either a vowel or a consenant to be displayed by the lady in this case Carol Vordermann.

Erstwhile Insults

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

  • The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
    She said, “If you were my husband I’d poison your coffee.”
    He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

  • A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
    “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
    “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
    Winston Churchill on British Labour politician Stafford Cripps

  • “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

  • “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
    “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second if there is one.” – Winston Churchill.

Quote

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

– Winston Churchill


click image to enlarge




Children Are Quick

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

Class: Maria.


Teacher: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.


Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile’?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

Teacher: No, that’s wrong

Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.


Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me.


Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
Glen: Well I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.


Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I’.

Millie: I is …

Teacher: No Milliecalways say, ‘I am.’

Millie: All right ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’


Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand.


Teacher: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

Simon: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.


Teacher: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir, it’s the same dog.


Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.












 












  

From the New York public school system. All teachers were reprimanded, unfortunately.

  • 12. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

  • 11. I would not allow this student to breed.

  • 10. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

  • 9. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  • 8. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  • 7. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

  • 6. This child has been working with glue too much.

  • 5. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

  • 4. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

  • 3. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

  • 2. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

  • And in 1st Place:
    1. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.


 


Marking Submitted Work

 



Funny Life Quotes

1. ‘Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.’ – Murphy’s Law.

2. ‘Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.’ – Mignon McLaughlin.

3. ‘Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.’ – Brian Gerald O’Driscoll.

4. ‘The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.’ – Erma Bombeck.

5. ‘When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.’ – Will Rogers.

6. ‘Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you’re wrong.’ – unknown.

7. ‘People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing; that’s why it’s recommend daily.” – Zig Ziglar.

8. ‘Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.’ – Abraham Lincoln.

9. ‘Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” – Bill McGlashen.

10. ‘Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.’ – unknown.

Questions you can’t answer



– Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

– Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

– Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?

– Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

– Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

– Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

– What is the speed of darkness?

– Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?

– Are there specially reserved parking spaces for ‘normal’ people at the Special Olympics?

– If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

– Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

– How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

– Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

– Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

– Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

– Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs !

– Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

– Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

– Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 




The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem…except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife;
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other;
That is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty,
and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don’t take the paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, your eyes.
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Sentences from letters to the council

It’s the dogs’ mess that I find hard to swallow

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.


I wish to complain that my father burnt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.


… And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.


I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.


My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?


Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.


I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.


The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.


Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and Not fit to drink.


Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.


I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.


The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.


I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.


Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.


I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.


This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.


My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.


He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.

Australian Tourism Website

Actual responses from the website officials

Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A.
We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (U.S.)
A.
Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A.
Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q. Are there any ATMs in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A.
What did your last slave die of?

Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (U.S.)
A.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific.

Q. Which direction is North in Australia ? (U.S.)
A.
Face south and then turn 180 degrees.

Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A.
Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (U.S.)
A.
Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is … oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A.
You are a British politician, right?

Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A.
No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( U.S.)
A.
Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q. I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (U.S.)
A.
It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q. I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (U.S.)
A.
Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q. Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A.
Yes, gay night clubs.

Q. Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A.
Only at Christmas.

Q. I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (U.S. )
A.
Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (U.S.)
A.
Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

Emergency Services

Real calls recorded by the emergency services in Nashville, Tennessee, U.S.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 what is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, this is her husband.


Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.


Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.


Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it.


Real calls recorded by the Police emergency services in England

Police emergency?

Caller: I’m calling because my laptop is closed and I need the password.
Police: You’ve called the police to get a password for your laptop?
Caller: Yes.


Caller: Yes I’ve lost my glasses. The ones for my near-sight.
Operator: Right.
Caller: And I’m trying to get my lunch and I can’t do my potatoes.
Police: Right. But you’re through to the police.
Caller: I know.
Police: Well I can’t come and look for your glasses. I’m sorry but you’ll have to peel your potatoes on your own.


Caller: Hi. Can you send one of your rescuers please. There’s a grey squirrel with no hazelnut trees.
Police: There’s a grey squirrel with no hazelnut trees?
Caller: Yes.
Police: And you’re phoning 999 for that?
Caller: Yes because its life is in danger. It’s a grey squirrel. It’s a rare species.
Police: Grey squirrels are not rare, it’s red squirrels that are rare.

Tech Support

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one.


Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good.
Customer: No , wait a minute, I hadn’t inserted it yet.


Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello, I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you click on ‘start’ for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me I’m not Bill Gates.


Customer: Hi, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can’t find it.


Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: No.


Tech support: What’s on your monitor now?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.


Customer: My keyboard is not working.
Tech support: Are you certain that it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer to see.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: Okay.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here which is working.


Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague log on using it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Yes it was 7 asterisks.


Tech support: Okay Colin, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time to bring up a menu then type the letter ‘P ‘ to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don’t understand.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: ‘P’ on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!


Tech Support: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.
Customer: OK.
Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.
Tech Support: OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support: OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?

Customer: You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.


Tech Support: Okay. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?
Customer: How can you see my screen from there?

Directory Enquiries

Travel Agents
Customer: I’ve been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?
Operator: Where did you get that number from, sir?.

Customer: It was on the door of the Travel Centre.
Operator: Sir, they are our opening hours.


Samsung Electronics
Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?
Operator: I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.
Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning.
Operator: I think it means the telephone point on the wall.


RAC Motoring Services
Caller: Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?
Operator: Doesn’t the product name give you a clue?


Directory Enquiries
Caller: I’d like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please.

Operator: I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Is the spelling correct?

Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.


Directory Enquiries
Caller: I’d like the number of Woven please.

Operator: Woven? Are you sure?

Caller: Yes, Woven in Scotland.

Genuine U.S/Canadian GED examination answers from 16 year olds

Q. Name the four seasons
A.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed
A.
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A.
The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.
If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids
A.
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A.
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.
Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A.
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.
Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.
The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.

Q. What is the fibula
A.
A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean
A.
Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A.
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure
A.
A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A.
When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean
A.
What you are after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine
A.
Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

Amazing Anagrams

Amazingly ELEVEN PLUS TWO which equals 13 is an anagram of TWELVE PLUS ONE which also equals 13. How about these below:

DORMITORY / DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN / BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER / MOON STARER

DESPERATION / A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES / THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE / HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES / CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS / LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS / ALAS! NO MORE Z ‘S /p>

A DECIMAL POINT / I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES / THAT QUEER SHAKE

MOTHER-IN-LAW / HITLER WOMAN

Response quotes from a Thomas Cook and survey

I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during the siesta. This should be banned.

On my holiday to Goa in India I was disgusted to find almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.

We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.

The beach was too sandy. We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.

Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day distracted by them.

We bought Ray-Ban sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.

I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.

There were too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.

We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.

Why men are happier than women

⚫ Your last name stays put.

⚫ The garage is all yours.

⚫ Wedding plans take care of themselves.

⚫ Chocolate is just another snack.

⚫ You can’t get pregnant.

⚫ You can wear a white T-shirt to a rainy day.

⚫ You can wear no shirt on a sweltering day.

⚫ Car mechanics tell you the truth.

⚫ The world is your urinal.

⚫ You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

⚫ Same work, more pay.

⚫ Wrinkles add character.

⚫ Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental-£100.

⚫ People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.

⚫ One mood all the time.

⚫ Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

⚫ A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

⚫ You can open your own jars.

⚫ If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

⚫ Your underwear is £3.99 for a three-pack.

⚫ Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

⚫ You never have strap problems in public.

⚫ You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

⚫ The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

⚫ You only have to shave your face.

⚫ You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.

⚫ You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

⚫ You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

⚫ You can do Christmas shopping on December 24 in 1 hour.

On British TV Shows

University Challenge (ITV)
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi’s first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

University Challenge (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

The Weakest Link (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: – Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

National Lottery (BBC1)
Question: What is the world’s largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.

Steve Wright in the Afternoon (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

Beg, Borrow Oor Steal (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester

BBC Norfolk
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Stewart White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re…?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

Late Show (BBC Midlands)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

Beacon Radio (Wolverhampton)
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on 22 November 1963?
Contestant: I don’t know, I wasn’t watching it then.

Phil Wood Show (BBC Radio Manchester)
Phil: What’s 11 squared?
Contestant: I don’t know.
Phil: I’ll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

Richard and Judy
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.

Richard and Judy
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er …

Richard: He makes bread …
Contestant: Er …
Richard: He makes cakes …
Contestant: Kipling Street?

Lincs FM
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I’m sorry, I don’t know the names of any countries in Spain.

Rock FM (Preston)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

The Biggest Game In Town (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: The Magna Carta?

James O’Brien Show (LBC)
James O’Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: I know there was a Henry the Eighth … eerm … three?

Chris Searle Show (BBC Radio Bristol)
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Mexico ?

Paul Wappat (BBC Radio Newcastle)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant: Fourteen days.

Daryl Denham’s Drivetime (Virgin Radio)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It’s a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No, Ireland.

Phil Wood Show (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What ‘K’ could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Erm …
Phil Wood: It’s got two syllables ‘Kor …’.
Contestant: Erm …
Phil Wood: The past participle of ‘run’.
Contestant: (Silence).
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I …
Contestant: Walked?

The Vault
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

 

Signs and quips

Actual Comments made by 14 police officers taken from police car videos

  • 14. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
  • 13. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
  • 12. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
  • 11. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
  • 10. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
  • 9. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
  • 8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
  • 7. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
  • 6. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop”
  • 5. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
  • 4. “How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’
  • 3. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
  • 2. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
  • AND THE WINNER IS….
    1. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t, Sign here.”

The person that wrote the description above for countdown clearly has never seen the programme. It is not a computer that picks anything but the contestants themselves who ask for either a vowel or a consenant to be displayed by the lady in this case Carol Vordermann.

Erstwhile Insults

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

  • The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
    She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”
    He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

  • A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
    “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
    “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
    Winston Churchill on British Labour politician Stafford Cripps

  • “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

  • “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
    “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second if there is one.” – Winston Churchill.

Remember Life in 2007 when…

  • 1. You accidentally enter your pin number on the microwave.

  • 2. You hadn’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

  • 3. You had a list of 10 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

  • 4. You e-mailed the person who works at the desk next to you.

  • 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

  • 6. You pull up in your own drive and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

  • 7. Every commercial on television had a web site at the bottom of the screen.

  • 8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 years of your life, became a cause for panic.

  • 9. You got up in the morning and went online before going to work.

  • 10. You asked the bank for a £500 loan and they informed that you were eligible for a £7,500 loan if you wanted it.

Congratulations to kids born in the
1940’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s

For surviving:

… being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while pregnant.

… baby cots that were covered with lead-based paints.

… medicine bottles, doors or cabinets with no child-proof lids or locks.

… riding bikes with no helmets.

… Riding in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

… Drinking water from the garden hosepipe not from a bottle.

… Sharing a soft drink with friends from one bottle and no one actually dieing.

… Drinking pop with real sugar in it, but not being overweight because playing outside was healthy.

… Without Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, video games. No 110 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet. Just having friends was ok.

… Climbing trees and falling out of them without strarting a lawasuit against someone.

New laws for hands free mobiles

According to a proposed new law that would go into effect Jan 1, 2008 you will no longer be able to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a ‘hands free’ adapter.

I went to Circuit City and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone. Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative, working through Office Depot.

These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all. I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity. Then we tried it with Motorola, Ericson, and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

Take a look at the photo below and let me know if you want one.

Window Sign

We would rather do business with 1,000 al qaeda terrorists than with one single British soldier.

Funeral Parlour business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND.


























Funny Signs

  • In a Podiatrist’s office:
    Time Wounds All Heels.

  • On a Septic Tank Truck:
    Yesterday’s Meals–on Wheels.

  • At a Proctologist’ s door:
    To expedite your visit, please back in.

  • On a Plumber’s truck:
    We Repair What Your Husband Fixed.

  • On another Plumber’s truck:
    Don’t sleep with a drip; Call your plumber!

  • On a Church’s Billboard:
    7 days without God makes one weak.

  • At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
    Invite us to your next blowout.

  • At a Towing company:
    We don’t charge an arm and a leg: We want tows.

  • On an Electrician’ s truck:
    Let Us Remove Your Shorts.

  • In a Nonsmoking Area:
    If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

  • On a Maternity Room door:
    Push. Push. Push!

  • At an Optometrist’ s Office:
    If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

  • On a Taxidermist’ s window:
    We really know our stuff.

  • On a Fence:
    Salesmen Welcome! Dog Food Is Expensive!

  • At a Car Dealership:
    The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.

  • Outside a Muffler Shop:
    No appointment necessary; We hear you coming.

  • In a Veterinarian’ s waiting room:
    Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

  • At the Electric Company:
    We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.

  • In a Restaurant window:
    Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

  • In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    Drive carefully! We’ll wait.

  • At a Propane Filling Station:
    Thank heaven for little grills.

  • Chicago radiator shop:
    Best place in town to take a leak.

Actual Instructions

  • On a blanket from Taiwan:
    Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

  • On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists:
    Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

  • On a Taiwanese shampoo:

    Use repeatedly for severe damage.

  • On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink:
    After opening, keep upright.

  • On a New Zealand insect spray:
    This product was not tested on animals.

  • In a US guide to setting up a new computer:

    To avoid condensation forming, allow the boxes to warm up to room temperature before opening.
    (Sensible, but the guide was inside the box.)

  • On a Japanese product for hemorrhoids:
    Lie on bed and insert Poscool slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting Poscool for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet.

  • In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles:
    Open other end.

  • On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
    Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?

  • On a Sears hairdryer:
    Do not use while sleeping.

  • On a bag of Fritos:
    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

  • On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
    Do not turn upside down.

  • On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    Pproduct will be hot after heating.

  • On a Korean kitchen knife:
    WARNING: Keep out of children.

  • On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
    For indoor or outdoor use only.

  • On a Japanese food processor:
    Not to be used for the other use.

  • On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
    WARNING: Contains nuts.

  • On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    Instructions: Open packet. Eat nuts.

  • On a Swedish chainsaw:
    Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

  • Windex:
    Do not spray in eyes.

  • Toilet Plunger:
    Caution: Do not use near power lines.

  • Dremel Electric Rotary Tool:
    This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

  • Baby Oil:
    Keep out of reach of children.

  • Hair Coloring:
    Do not use as an ice cream topping.

  • Stridex Foaming Face Wash:
    May contain foam.

  • Zantac Deoderant:
    Do not take if allergic to zantac.

  • Sleeping Pills:
    Warning: May cause Drowsiness.

  • Komatsu Floodlight:
    This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.

  • Earplugs:
    These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe.

  • Mattress:
    Warning: Do not attempt to swallow.

  • Matches:
    Caution: Contents may catch fire.

  • Pepper Spray:
    Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

  • RCA Television Remote Control:
    Not Dishwasher Safe

  • Pine Mountain Fire Logs:
    Caution: Risk of fire.

  • Triops Fish Food:
    Warning: Not for human consumption.

  • Road Sign:
    Caution water on road during rain.

  • Camera:
    This camera will only work when film is inside.

  • Road Sign:
    Cemetery Road. Dead End.

  • Children’s Superman Costume:
    Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

  • Slush Puppy Cup:
    This ice may be cold.

  • Nabisco Easy Cheese:
    For best results, remove cap.

  • Swanson TV Dinners:
    This product must be cooked before eating.

  • 500-piece puzzle:
    Some assembly required.

  • Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
    Fits one head.

  • Boot’s children’s cough medicine:
    Do not drive car or operate machinery.

  • Infant’s bathtub:
    Do not throw baby out with bath water.

  • Disposable razor:
    Do not use this product during an earthquake.

  • Bottle of shampoo for dogs:
    Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

  • Hand-held Massaging Device:
    Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

  • Toner cartridge for a laser printer:
    Do not eat toner.

  • Novelty rock garden set:

    Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

  • A toilet bowl cleaning brush:
    Do not use orally.

  • A birthday card for a 1 year old:
    Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

  • Microwave Oven:
    Do not use for drying pets.

  • Can of air freshener:
    For use by trained personnel only.

  • Deodorant:
    Do not use intimately.

  • Rat Poison:
    Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

  • Portable stroller:
    Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.

  • Sign at a railway station:
    Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

  • Electric Thermometer:
    Do not use orally after using rectally.

  • Label on a hammer:
    Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.

  • Container of salt:
    Warning: High in sodium

Teachers quips














hi























In the New York public school system. All teachers were reprimanded.

  • 12. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

  • 11. I would not allow this student to breed.

  • 10. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

  • 9. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

  • 8. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

  • 7. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

  • 6. This child has been working with glue too much.

  • 5. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

  • 4. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

  • 3. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

  • 2. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

  • And in 1st Place:
    1. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.


 


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